Dear preacher,
I WOULD LIKE TO express my sincere apology for my behavior last night. I’ve been very stubborn, rude and spoiled. Concurrently, I’ve just been honest to you.
I know you were trying your hardest to convince me that my self-centered self-healing won’t work. I know you want me to be close to your God just like the way you are. I know you want me to read “our book” – to run the race to the end. I know you’re so much sincere and persevered to set me from my depression, to cast all my fears, surrender my reservations to the Lord and trust only in Him.
One thing I just can’t tell you is that my reservation is not for the Father; it’s for the situation. You see, I don’t want to live my life in prayers patterned to the way you do. I don’t want to depend on you. Not because I don’t believe you; it’s just that I fear someday that you will be gone, and I’ll be left alone with no one to guide me. I’m just preparing for the day that you’ll have enough of my dramas. As well, I’m trying to live my life again independently and practice a Christian life alone for awhile…
I know you told me before that you will always be here to stay. However, there will be no assurance of the future. I’m just so anxious; so I would rather believe that learning to love my self is the greatest love of all – which is paradoxical to our belief that Love for God is the love that will set us free.
I still believe in that, and I’ll continue to do so; I swear.
Thank you for your concern and for each day and night that you pray for me over the phone and, perhaps, before you sleep. I’ve been very numb and irresponsible, I know, but I just need a two-month period of self-healing…
Give me two months. I promise everything will be fine again...
Yours truly,
Kua AL
No comments:
Post a Comment