Vomiting: My peculiar sentiment was like my sickness yesterday…

IT WAS LIKE A FIERY million-degrees Celsius body temperature mixed with uneasy feelings all over my body – I thought I would die….

“I am not capable of loving,” I always say, especially when the topic falls under romantic love. I suppose not everyone in this world needs someone to share his sentiments with. Not everyone likes to see a text message in his cell phone asking, “Kumain ka na?” or “What ginagawa mo?” and the like…

As well, I never believed that I should give too much concern for others. I love the word “I” more than “you” and “us”. I love to cosset my self – purchase my needs, follow my desires, and do what I have to in order to live. The best person to love is, of course, my self. I seldom get emotionally attached with people.


I don’t do things that annoy me like carrying a weighty baggage amid the mall or in school too.

Yet one night, after my Mandarin Class, things started to change.

Angeles City, 18 March 2009: I’ll never forget the day when the whole world started turning upside down. I learned to be contented with a sentiment I can’t explicate. Even the simplest gesture could paint a grin on my face. I was even bemused regarding my emotion; but I didn’t bother to impede it at first.

It felt like once in a lifetime.

Though it WASN’T SOMETHING ROMANTIC actually; it poles apart. It was even more, I suppose.

“Perhaps, I’m having a soul-mate,” I said to my self.

“Soul-mate”, as I delineate it, is someone who you sympathize with. Someone who’ll be hurt once you get hurt and vice versa, and someone you love enthusiastically with no malice.

I thought I found a new “family”, which made me feel I found a home to someone so dearly. Harebrained things made me laugh, and made my hands inexplicably shudder like a mysterious pyramid with immense flow of cosmic energy.

I learned to do things unreservedly. I forgot my principles.

Sooner, I noticed I’ve been giving my own happiness for a single source that could destruct me as I presume.

I fail to liquidate the Pioneer’s expenses timely.

I don’t blog often. (If you have noticed my entries in late March and early April, most are delayed. Some days are missing).

When applying for a job, I don’t think about my answers. All my thoughts are lost. I flunk my interviews. My focus is just vanishing.

Why? Well, I can neither write nor speak; I’ve deteriorated for a reason I can’t explain….

****

I cry thrice when I see “you” suffer. I can’t eat right. My high protein diet has not been strictly followed. My gym-mates are asking me, “What happened to you?” They say my body has turned undesirable. I can’t sophisticatedly carry my clothes anymore too.

My friends are asking me, “What happened to you?” I can’t finish my meals even in my favorite restaurant.

So I asked myself, “What happened to me?”

Is it because when “you” have problems, I wish to transfer the entire onus to me? Then the subsequent event would turn out like… I’m languishing even more.

Like a bridge over uneasy water, I do everything to alleviate “your” mind. “You” became my protégé. I find ways for “your” joy. Like Adam who bit from the forbidden fruit, I reckon as sinners those people who depress “you”.

“You” taught me what happiness-found-in-caring is; however, you abducted it unknowingly.

Still, I’m neither enraged nor BITTER.

Instead, I feel BETTER! I’m starting to perceive life at a better angle again. So I’m hoping that “you” will linger. “You” will forever be a “family” to me.

Yet, I can no longer submit my happiness; I can no longer sacrifice for “your” own sake. Doing so recently filled my eyes with water.

This water means I should somehow track anew, I suppose….

****

Analyzing all the things I’ve been going through, I paused often and say, “This has to be ended!”

However, I can’t find a way to stop it.

Until last night, fortuitously, I’ve waited for a broken pledge.

Finally, it is a sign…

This day, I’m waking up to get back to my real self – strong and free-willed. Or perhaps, I will even be unearthing my new self – this would be better since I’ve learned from the incident.

The days I started believing that life is sweet if I care for someone, the days I started believing that to help others is priced as diamond, the days I started believing that my old principles are falsifiable, the days I started feeling a sentiment inside me that was constructive…

Those days are gone.

That sentiment, as I see it now, is also disparaging!

I’m starting to see the reasons for loving myself again. I’m starting to see the reasons for me to get going. I’m starting to think that yesterday was just a bit horrendous. I’m beginning to see the rationales for leaving it behind.

Today’s sunrise poles apart – it would even brighter, I hope.

This is a new day!

Thanks to “you”!

****

Speaking of yesterday, my eyes were drowsing. I felt extremely ill. My body temperature had increased. My muscles, especially in the neck, were aching. My head wanted to explode; I even thought it was swelling.

I’m sick. I needed to rest. I reclined on my bed at 2 p.m. I was asking for advices from my friends and colleagues who are BS Nursing students and graduates.

“I already took Biogesic, may I take Advil too?” I asked.

I was fraught to relieve the pain of the sickness. Perhaps, this is flu, I conjectured.

Gradually, I fell asleep and woke up at 5 p.m. Nothing has changed. My condition was like getting worse that I wanted to die, instead.

Then I stood up, started thinking that I would be fine.

Diminutively, I became fine. After eating my dinner, I felt as if there’s been a scorpion in my stomach, wanting to get all the way out from my intestine through my orifice – I vomited three times as I could clearly recall…

After that, I felt better.

Same is true with this peculiar sentiment – everything will be better if treated suitably. After all, it’s all in the mind too.

If it hurts, get rid of it…

Vomit!