I AM CONJECTURING WHY no matter how hard I pray, God will never give me the chance to correct all the faults I've done to the person I've hurt and offended a million times so it would appear as if nothing happened...
They always say, "Everything happens for a reason". Yet I can't discern the rationale for the current struggle I am facing right now. And even if it has a rationale, I suppose that is never enough to sacrifice what had been lost. The feeling may not be as hurtful as the previous situations I've been into. Perhaps, it’s because I've been used to pain. However, I know the decision, which had been made in this situation, is different...
I felt the angels mourn!
Bert and I have been close friends since we've entertained our messages. We've shared so many things starting from clothes to money, passwords, ATM PIN and, most of all, faith to the Lord. Before I met him, I was a Roman Catholic and he is a Born again Christian. Despite that, it was not a hindrance for us to jive. We became like siblings.
Later on, I've had a "self-diagnosed emotional breakdown" (yes, it's a self-diagnosed emotional breakdown because it had not been proven by an expert and I just termed it as such, thinking that it sounds like a classy problem). Then, Bert started sharing me about a book -- the Purpose-driven Life by Rick Warren. He advised me to read it one chapter a day. And so I did.
Afterwards, I started questioning about his religion and he became so enthusiastic to share. Conversely, I was a hard-headed listener. He never gave up, never left, never let go.
To shorten the story, I converted and believed in their faith. I started attending worship services and cell-groups and youth gigs. And yes, we belong in one cell group but he, as well as his family, is attending a different church every Sunday ( also a Christian church).
Meanwhile, being a Christian made me search for a sense of belongingness. But the problem is: I went extreme. Somewhere in our friendship-slash-kinship, I tried to control him and know everything. And I know I offended his privacy and tried to manipulate him, as he confessed. I acted so stubborn so many times – I really mean so many times – but he forgave me incessantly.
I've been so childish; he was childlike, who gradually turned childish too.
Recently, we went to a Youth Camp in Baguio with his twin brother, his sister and other church-mates. Supposedly, we should find our purpose in life up there...
However, something happened in Baguio, which I thought will be solved sooner just like the previous quarrels and arguments we've had. I'm wrong! It was different and started to change everything!
Last April 12, our scenario got even worse because of a SIM card. And of course, it was my fault again. He always says that. But you know what? At some point of our arguments, I know it was not just I who made the errors.
It wasn't just I...
The night of April 13, he told me not to contact him. "Punong-puno ako. Please. Galit ako," he shouted over the phone with so many hurtful statements -- his voice was tremulous and it sounded different. It's ruined.
I know it was more of my fault because before that, he talked to me over the phone, trying to resolve our problem that started in Baguio. From the sound of his voice, I gathered he was crying on that Saturday afternoon; however, I didn't lend him an open heart. Then when we conversed last April 13, I apologized. But I guess a certain statement of mine enraged him even more.
I don't know if there will be forgiveness. I am also bamboozled about what I feel. Am I willing to forgive? Perhaps, yes.
On the other hand, is Bert willing to forget? If yes, then what does he consider to be forgotten? Is it the incident, or is it our friendship and kinship?
I felt the angels mourn – it was not easy; depressing. If ever we will be forgiving one another, I guess we can never be like the way we were before -- never exactly like the first times we've shared.
Hitherto, I am praying that forgiveness will come in due time. And if there's a way to bring back the old friendship, I'll do it. But it won't happen, I guess. Even though they say everything is possible, I’m certain that there's one prayer God would never grant:
To turn back time....
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